Apology Accepted, Commander McChrystal?!?!?!?

I rather exhausted myself after the Tony Blair two parter (which could be a trilogy after next Friday, if Brown doesn’t have to resign after ‘Bullygate’), so I’ll try a short and sweet one, as my wife often says. What’s tickled my prostate gland this week (and last week actually) is the Afghan War-winning Operation Moshtarak, civilian casualties, and the blatant reasons behind it. And no, I’m not talking about oil, money, or terminating the Taliban.

So ten days ago, as I was rubbing suntan lotion into the ageing skin of Mrs. Sucrose on the lovely beach of Pinamar (Argentina, for the geographically uneducated), the AP app on my iPhone tells me about Operation Moshtarak. A made up word? Most probably, but in this days of yogalates, Jargonaut, and meh, the dictionary is slowly becoming a fable, a Bible-esque collection of myths and legends. According to http://www.army.mod.uk/operations-deployments/operations/17644.aspx, one of the objectives of the operation is “improve security and freedom of movement within the main population areas of central Helmand province.” It will lead to “greater economic development and growth of governance.” Intrigued by this, especially after seeing the debacle of the Chilcot Inquiry, I asked Manuel to bring my portable HD plasma screen to the beach. Sky News then filled in all the blanks for me, and inspired patriotism for our great country. Even BBC News took on a patriotic slant, explaining how beneficial the Operation would be for the never-ending war in Afghanistan.  “Yeah, let’s get those no-good Taliban!” I roared across the beach. Fortunately, no one was there-my private security force had cordoned off the entire area! The benefits of wealth...But then my wife asked “I thought the Taliban had been wiped out in 2001?” Current affairs have never been her speciality. If you’re talking about Eastenders, however, then she is the Mastermind.

After a couple of hours of being whipped into a patriotic fervour, reality soon dawned on me. One of our troops had died. And suddenly, the enthusiasm for the new offensive subsided, both in myself and the news. However, the news quickly moved on, hurling adulation onto the Operation and it’s achievement of several objectives (although I’m sure these were kept quiet).  Civilians commented that the fighting in Marjah was continuing at ‘maximum intensity’ (something lost in translation?!?!?). And then the inevitable civilians casualties arrived, almost as soon as fighting had started. Faulty missile systems were blamed, as were the Taliban. The missile system, HAL, or High Mobility Artillery Rocket Sytem, was suspended, and an inquiry was promised. The word ‘inquiry’ provoked my anger, and it got me thinking-what is the point of this operation?

It’s the first offensive in the Helmand province since Obama’s surge of 30,000 troops (boy, that Peace Prize is proving to have hit the bullseye!) and Brown’s British reinforcements in the area. These troops need to be used, surely, but in the public glare. It would be fatal to Obama if these troops surge did not prove any tangible results. We’ve heard a lot about how successful the troop surge has been in ‘winning the war in Afghanistan’, but nothing says success like a massive offensive, both on the ground and in the media. And it became obvious to me that the offensive was targeting the media rather than the Taliban. You could always find an admission of difficulties hidden in all the articles and news reports about the offensive. The US Nato Commander General Stanley McChrystal often tried to quell expectations of quick success, and also placed doubt on what to do with the aftermath. It was the aftermath of the 2001 offensive, not the offensive itself, that caused the Taliban to rise again. From the initial ‘war’ almost a decade ago, it should be clear how easy it is to take on the Taliban. Sure, their guerrilla tactics make things a little difficult, but the military sophistication of Nato conjures the image of hitting a fly with a sledgehammer. Think about the estimates of the number of Taliban insurgents and the Nato alliance. The Taliban claims to have around 2000 in the region, whereas the US estimate this to be closer to 1000. And now the Nato alliance: 15,000! Excessive? Yes. There are 2,500 Afghan troops, to honour the pledge of handing over responsibility to the Afghan government. Let’s think about this for a second. Is the Afghan government responsible enough to take responsibility? The Afghan police force is incredibly corrupt, as are many officials. And it’s more than likely that once the Taliban have been removed, Nato will forget all about Marjah and move on to the next publicity feast.

Now, with such a great number of Nato troops, dodgy missile systems, and the Taliban’s favourite tactic of using civilians as human shields, how can this Operation “secure areas routinely used by the Taliban as a base from which to launch attacks against ISAF troops and the Afghan civilian population” (that great army/MOD website again.) Maybe one should swap the ‘ISAF’ with ‘the Taliban’?!?!? That was truly scathing! That’s how I earned £800 million! And along with civilian casualties comes negative publicity, a BAD THING in this media war. How can we help Afghan civilians if we keep killing them?

I know all about successful media campaigns to reinvigorate a failing operation. After allegations of an affair with my private secretary, I used all of my monetary skill to convince the media of their errors. Shots of me and my wife happily strolling around our mansion plagued BBC News for a while. She wrote a few articles for the Daily Mail, explaining our eternal love and mutual destiny. And it worked a treat. The private secretary is now serving a life sentence for inflicting trauma and indefinite stress upon all members of my family. And my stocks reached an all-time high. She was the only civilian casualty in the whole mess. However, when it comes to (modern) war, civilian casualties take a hefty wedge in the overall death toll pie.

So, today, we had McChrystal issuing a televised apology to the Afghan people (who suffer froma want for electricity due to the destruction the Afghanistan War has caused) for a strike in the Uruzgan province that allegedly killed 21 people on Sunday. It was unrelated to the Marjah offensive, but will be seen as mutually dependent on it. It will be seen as just another example of Nato’s indifference to Afghans, as HAL’s mistakes were earlier last week. Nato jets attacked a convoy of cars thought to be insurgents. How wrong they were. “I pledge to strengthen our efforts to regain your trust to build a brighter future for all Afghans...I have instituted a thorough investigation to prevent this from happening again.” So now we have a war on two fronts; the western front, to paint the picture that this offensive will lead to the end of the Afghan war, and the eastern front, to paint the picture that civilians casualties are an unfortunate but unstoppable consequence of the march to liberty and victory. Both of these work against the last goal of  “help[ing] the Afghan Government take more responsibility for the security and stability of the province.” (MOD website again! I love the information age!). The more the civilian death toll increases, the less that either front can be won. Western liberals will pounce upon these facts and denounce the Afghan War once again, and the Afghan population will shrug their shoulders, and say ‘business as usual.’ It shocked me to the core when some political commentator on Sky News said that the Afghan population will see the civilians deaths as a necessary part of liberation. He said they won’t be disheartened by the deaths, and take the philosophy of “it’s all for the greater good.”

It’s not for the greater good. It’s a campaign to bolster Obama’s troop surge and subdue the apathy for the Afghan War. Many of us have forgotten why we’re over there, blemished by scenes of blossoming poppy fields and dead civilians. Think about our reaction to the death of a troop in Afghanistan. ‘Why are we still there?’ ‘What are we fighting for?’ I’m sure similar questions occur to the majority of Afghans when they see family members in pieces thanks to a machine’s error. Especially if they heard the chairman of the U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff,  Admiral Mike Mullen saying that the efforts against the Taliban were ‘incredibly wasteful,’ as was ‘war in general.’ ‘But that doesn’t mean it’s not worth the cost.’

Apparently, Moshtarak means ‘Together’ in Dari. How meaningful. What an inappropriate name for an offensive, one that’s trying to foster the belief that Nato and Afghanistan are working as one, whereas the evidence on the ground means that they couldn’t be further apart. And the apology from McChrystal will not be accepted. I’m just waiting for Darth Vader to choke him after another apology when the next batch of civilians die thanks to modern technology. And for the entire initial media blitz, it might as well be a movie, or the next Call of Duty. As a close friend, a very Mad Man, commented at the start of ‘Together’, it is a simulation of sorts. Nothing will be decided in this Operation, just as my son will achieve nothing killing virtual soldiers on the recent Call of Duty. Well, I’d much prefer the stylised violence of Modern Warfare 2 than think about the futility of this new offensive. At least I won’t have the displeasure of listening to Kay Burley and her almost racist references to civilian casualties. I wish she would die in a faulty missile blast. But then I simply reflect that I’m nearly a billionaire, and spend thousands on a new car. That’s the life I lead.

NHS-In Need of Euthanasia?

I reckon it’s time for a serious blog, not the mishmash of general custard that was my previous blog. And the one thing that’s getting my goat is all this coverage and controversy about the NHS. Those US Republican lads have even put in their two cents (well, because they’re all rich from oil and stocks and a government wage, I’ll guess it’s a lot more than that). Once again the perennial war on healthcare that the Reds in the US love so much has risen from the depths. Another attempt to derail the O’Bandwagon...wagon. I meant train (but I’m sure it’s already of course-I mean, he’s done nothing since Day 1! Now that Hilary...if I knew my wife didn’t read this, I’d tell you what I thought of her...tasty!) Barack has done the inevitable and backed down to Republican mass hysteria on his proposal to give the public an option to choose a government or a private company healthcare insurance policy. He obviously watches too much Fox News...(or the fact that NO Republicans would vote for this in the Senate, and quite a few Democrats are unsure because their leaders has no guts.) And of course, those damned Tories are so confused about what line to take on this issue (as they are on pretty much any issue).

So I open the paper/read Google news today (I like to think I’m a modern man), and see a horrific title: ‘Woman in labour refused ambulance.’ ‘Jesus Christ’, I thought, and nearly spat out my imported Champ Elyse’s reduced fat chocolate butter croissant. If that’s what the NHS is doing nowadays, then maybe it should be shut down. However, reading on, this 27 year old woman was pregnant with her FOURTH child. Now, I don’t like prejudice, never have, never will, but obviously this women was a bit of a...well, you know, I don’t have to spell it out for you, do I? With Swine Flu, E.Coli making a return, amongst other things, the NHS shouldn’t have to deal with another lady looking to increase her child benefits.

That was not all that I read, however. The NHS is an issue Cameron cannot deal with, and doesn’t want to handle. However, it seems the rest of his party have some qualms with the NHS. ‘3 Top Tories Call For NHS To Be Dismantled,’ the headline screamed at me. I took a swig of cappuccino to digest this remark and scorched my throat. These ‘top 3’ are the Secretaries of State for Children, Energy, and Sport/Culture etc. They say that the NHS is no longer relevant. And I could not forget that stupid Tory MEP Hannan calling the NHS a ’60 year old mistake.’ Another Tory MP wittily referred to the NHS as the ‘National Sickness Service.’ That would make it the NSS, no? And note that this was on US TV, where Fox News has been alive with Republicans bashing the NHS. A right-wing conspiracy by two right-wing parties? It’s okay for those rich Tories, who’ve never earned anything in their life (Lord ‘Daddy’ provided their ways and means), to disparage the NHS. I bet most of those toffs nodded when Fox News asked the question: ‘NHS: Breeding Ground for Terrorism?’

Of course, today I use BUPA, but that’s only because I’m filthy rich. However, during my struggles to attain wealth beyond any mortal’s wildest dreams, I often relied on the NHS. It’s true that I owe my life to the NHS. I was Mother Sucrose’s fourth child and during the formative years of the NHS I had a terrible accident. Memory is hazy, but I remember my mum’s stall in East London collapsing on me. The market patrons rushed to my aid, and rang ‘919’ (the number back then for 999). After a blood transfusion, a kidney transplant, and the amputation of 3 fingers (which, under BUPA, I was able to replace), I was fine. And that’s all thanks to the NHS. My three adorable children were also born in an NHS hospital. Alain Sucrose III almost died because of premature birth. The NHS saved his life. Until Hamstrands really took off, I relied on the NHS like a walking stick (my children were/are very accident-prone). If I was in America, I would have died. Mother Sucrose and Father Sucrose were going through a difficult time financially, and neither believed in any kind of insurance (well, until I became an almost-billionaire, and then they expected me to pay for it. I did). I would have died under that market stall, in a heap of fruit and veg.

Just one more reason (among the plenty) not to vote for the toffs. Funny, I was reading the Oxford Dictionary today (in between reading the Financial Times and trying to contact Rupert Murdoch), and came across a word history of Tory. “ ‘Tory’ comes from Irish toraidhe or toridhe, meaning ‘outlaw’ or ‘robber’.” And that’s exactly what people would be voting in come the next General Election. The NHS has its problems, of course it does, like anything else, but I could not think of a better system to grace this isle. Beveridge would be rolling in his grave at the prospect of a US-like health system. That kind of system certainly doesn’t fight off the Five Evils of 'Want, Disease, Ignorance, Squalor and Idleness'. However, they perfectly describe the Tory Party.